“Can we talk?” Judy didn’t wait for my reply. “Let’s go in here.”
My hand, which was reaching for my bag in preparation to leave work for the day, froze in mid-air. I almost made it out, I thought to myself with a laugh. I followed Judy to a small meeting room and plopped down into a chair. Judy closed the door and sat opposite me, on the other side of a round table. She sat back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest, then lifted her chin and angled her face away from me and wouldn’t hold my gaze. I leaned forward. What could this possibly be about?
Judy suspected that I said something about her performance on a particular task to our co-workers, a comment which made its way to our boss. Our boss then sent a “corrective” email to Judy’s inbox. But I would put all these details together later. Inside the cramped meeting room, Judy asked me pointed questions like, “What did you say about me?” and “How did they (our co-workers) end up with the document?”
I answered each of Judy’s questions, and gestured with my palms open to show that I had nothing to hide. Abruptly, Judy stood and said something like, “Well I don’t know what happened, but I’m tired of feeling like the one who is always singled out and made responsible.” I often felt the same way, I said with a half-smile. Judy did not look me in the eye as she left the room.
Later, during my commute home, I pieced together the circumstances that led to our confrontation. It surprised me that Judy thought I would make a negative comment about her or that I would shift blame in her direction. I disliked that she pulled me into a room and confronted me in a patronizing manner.
A few weeks later I sat in a meeting with Judy and our co-workers. Judy brought the incident up again but also said that she didn’t want to talk about it, and that we should all move forward with the intent to communicate better with each other in the future. Our co-workers told Judy that they’d never had a problem with her performance, and that they didn’t know how our boss heard about the situation. Again, Judy turned her face away in dismissal. I realized then that Judy based her belief that she had been slighted solely on how she felt, and I realized that Judy’s distress was contagious as I watched my co-workers react to her behavior.
3 Examples of Oversensitive Behavior in the Workplace
Defensive posture, inflexibility, and negativity sound like obvious indicators of oversensitivity but, from what I have observed, these behaviors are often attributed to personality or stress. So, in the interest of promoting awareness, here are three questions to consider when determining whether you might be taking things too personally at work:
- Defensive body language: As you walk around your workplace, do you look down at your feet or ahead to where you’re going? Do you smile at your co-workers in passing or do you avoid their eyes? What is your posture in meetings?
- Inflexibility: Do you hold tight to your perceptions or are you interested in your co-workers’ views?
- Negativity: What do you personify during a typical work day? Optimism? Determination? Or does a dark cloud follow you around and encourage others to join you in commiserating?
Apathy is not the Answer
Measured emotional involvement at work does not mean that you no longer care about outcomes or personal responsibilities. Ideally, it means that you no longer feel defined by how others treat you, or what the boss thinks of your performance. Mastering your emotions results in openness to new ideas, an even-minded approach to otherwise stressful situations, and an aura of calm.
Stoicism is not a philosophy I endorse in its entirety, but I like its principles, especially when considering how to lessen emotional involvement at work. Ryan Holiday, author of The Obstacle is the Way, is a leading figure in modern stoicism. In an article on his website titled “A Stoic Guide to Workplace Peace of Mind”, Mr Holiday evokes the wisdom of classic stoics such as Marcus Aurelius and Seneca, whose centuries-old principles are readily applicable to the mental challenges of today’s workers.
For many of us, our emotions are the boss, and they control how our day develops — unless, that is, you refuse to be bossed around by them anymore. If we adopt a stoic perspective, we may turn to our emotions and say, “I’m too old for this. My energy is precious. I will not be pulled and pushed around by you anymore.”
I picture this premise as such: each day at work I must cross a river of emotions. Some days the river is shallow and some days the river is deep, given the number of tasks and events that flow in my direction. Either way, I’m going to get wet. But I can choose whether or not I let the river’s current carry me away. I can choose to set my sights on the other shore, and to make my way there with careful determination. What’s more, each day that I practice reaching the shore at the place I intend to land (a peaceful place) I become a better swimmer.
Make Your Emotions Work for You
The causes of strong emotional reactions to workplace situations are complex, and I am not a psychologist. But from what I can tell, our emotions stem from fear and ego (which are magnified in a workplace environment) and awareness is the first step towards making our emotions work for us. For me, if I keep in mind that my strong emotions are indicators that my ego is taking the lead in reacting to a situation, then I can respond in a more measured way.
Through this practice, I have discovered that when I separate my emotions from who I intend to be (happy and wise), compassion fills the gap. I now recognize that Judy is not just a co-worker — she also fills the roles of mother and artist (to name just two). Judy has a talent for a particular kind of art and often brings her creations into the office for display. If I were led by my ego or consumed by my work-related fears, I would overlook this talent and instead focus solely on how Judy has made me feel.
I like to imagine asking Judy, “Can we talk?” and then having an open and honest conversation with her in which we each admitted to experiencing, and acting on, negative emotions at work. I would confide in Judy that, despite my repeated efforts, I often struggled to rise above my reactive feelings. Judy would say with a half-smile and a nod that she felt the same way. But, she would add, that didn’t mean that we should give up hope on promoting ourselves to managers of our emotions at work.