“You didn’t add yourself to my calendar.”
I looked over my shoulder at my co-worker, Brenda, who stood at the edge of my desk. Her voice was louder than necessary, and my desk-mate, seated just over the low wall between our desks, shifted in her chair. I turned my chair in Brenda’s direction. “No, I—”
“Now my calendar is full for the day, and we won’t be able to meet.” A flush reddened Brenda’s cheeks.
“I’m sorry. I…” I didn’t know how to say listen Brenda, how your day goes is up to you, not me. I didn’t add myself to your calendar because I thought it was an odd, overly formal request, and I didn’t feel comfortable doing it. I figured we could just catch each other between tasks when you returned. I swiveled back to my computer and pulled up Brenda’s calendar. “Okay, I’m looking at your calendar. When would you like to meet?”
“Pick a time tomorrow afternoon. I won’t be free until then.”
“Does 2pm work?”
“Yeah, does it show that I’m free? Yes, then.” I typed in my name as Brenda continued, “I was really disappointed that we couldn’t meet today. We really need to go over—”
“I’m sorry, Brenda.” I turned back around and gave her my full attention. “I can see that you’re upset.”
“I’m not upset.” Her eyes flashed and the flush in her cheeks deepened. “I just need to get our project done and I have no time, and we need to meet. And I asked you to add yourself to my calendar, and you didn’t.”
“I hear you. But listen, while you were out I did a lot. I contacted and heard back from every vendor on the list you left with me. I think there’s not much left to do.”
Brenda stepped back from my desk with a shrug. “Can’t wait to hear all about it.” She turned in her office’s direction, and said, maybe to herself, “I just don’t have the time to chase people down.”
Our meeting the next day did not go well. I hadn’t filled out the spreadsheet Brenda had left with me like she’d envisioned. I had done a lot of work on our project, but the progress I’d made wasn’t on the spreadsheet, and so for Brenda it didn’t exist. I agreed to do the spreadsheet over and to print out all of my emails with the vendors for her review. I left the meeting feeling misunderstood, but also like I had let Brenda down.
Brenda was one of my favorite co-workers and I suspected that, had I been more direct and honest from the outset, I could have prevented the conflict between us. Perhaps I wasn’t as good a communicator as I’d thought. I went in search of insight, and the following list of common barriers to communication refreshed what I knew about communication in the traditional sense, and further helped to get my thoughts on the right track.
- Perceptual barriers — Without awareness of other people’s perspectives, my view of the world is limited to my own interpretation.
- Emotional barriers — How I feel about who I’m talking to affects my approach to, and the dynamics of, our interaction.
- Cultural barriers — A normal way to communicate for me may be odd for someone from a different cultural background.
- Language barriers — Even if a co-worker and I speak the same language fluently, one of us may speak it as a second language and have a different understanding of key words and phrases. In the U.S., per census data, 20% of residents speak a language other than English at home.
The awareness of common barriers offered some guidance, but I didn’t feel that any of the barriers on the list were the root cause of mine and Brenda’s conflict. So, I paid attention to how I was feeling in my daily interactions at the office, and I noticed that I often felt:
- A lack of self-confidence
- A reluctance to see a co-worker’s perspective
- A need to promote my views over others’
Due to my lack of self-confidence, I didn’t ask for an explanation when I didn’t understand why Brenda wanted me to add myself to her calendar. I was reluctant to see the situation from Brenda’s perspective, because I worried that it would be too difficult. Finally, I thought that effective communication would occur with Brenda only when I expressed my views and Brenda confirmed that she understood my perspective.
Thanks to the new understanding I gained from my introspection, I approached Brenda about our conflict with a new mindset. I apologized for my lack of clear communication and admitted to my discomfort in manipulating her calendar. Brenda listened and then explained that, in her experience, other methods of scheduling meetings weren’t as convenient as encouraging our co-workers to edit her schedule. While the practice seemed odd to me, I had to agree that it was effective and to Brenda’s credit, it was a creative solution to the common challenge of diverging schedules among co-workers.
I had found the way to resolve the conflict with Brenda, but I still had something more to discover: I didn’t know exactly what Brenda’s job entailed, though we’d worked together for seven years. I learned that Brenda’s role was unique to the company and featured special concerns and priorities. This discovery prompted an epiphany — my other co-workers’ roles were likely as individual as Brenda’s, with their own unique complexities. But my co-workers didn’t talk to each other about what made their roles distinctive, and this lack of understanding felt like another common, but hidden, barrier to communication at work.
Now when a co-worker approaches me, I ask myself the following: am I feeling confident, or am I feeling reluctant? As I interact with my co-worker, and especially if they say something work-related that seems odd to me, I ask myself: do I know enough about their role to fully see the situation from their perspective? Also, even if the exchange is going well, I try to remember to wonder: am I only concerned with expressing my own views here?
I wish I could say that identifying my personal barriers to communication, as well as uncovering a hidden barrier, immediately made me a more adept communicator. However, skilled communication requires not just self-awareness, but cultivation and practice. I can say I am no longer under “the illusion” of communication in my interactions at work, per my favorite quote on the topic attributed to George Bernard Shaw:
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
If you sense that you may be under “the illusion,” or if you are seeking to benefit your career by improving your communication skills, I recommend that you start with reviewing the basics — the common barriers to communication. From there, identify your own barriers and negative tendencies. Then, reach out to a co-worker with whom you have experienced a misunderstanding, and apologize. That final step is the one from which you’ll learn the most about communication, in my experience. You may even discover something unexpected, or learn (like I did) that communication flows best between open, curious minds and compassionate ears.