I cannot count the number of times, in the middle of a conflict, that I’ve wished I knew what to say to resolve the argument in the best possible way. Instead, I’ve said whatever came to mind, which often worsened the conflict or accommodated the other person in a way that felt untrue to myself. My lack of skill in this area, and the aftermath of these interactions, led me to believe that I should avoid conflict altogether.
If I’m being honest, my avoidance also stemmed from my fear of change. Desperate to avoid change, I often conveyed that the other person’s conflicting concerns were not as important as they had imagined. Then, I called out their reckless emotive behavior. As a result, throughout my career, my go-to tools for conflict-resolution were denial and shame — an unhelpful approach which I now intend to change.
Twenty-five years ago, Jessica Notini created her own mediation firm after tiring of the adversarial nature of practicing law. She began by volunteering as a mediator in neighborhood disputes and then “graduated” to court panels. Today, she uses her wealth of experience to do what she enjoys most — teaching people the best methods for negotiation and conflict resolution.
Ms Notini offers a conflict management style assessment, which is a significant resource, given the number of people (like me) who think that everyone deals with conflict in one of two ways: head on, or not at all. Although we may engage in one of the following styles at home and another at work, Ms Notini says that overall everyone tends to take on one of five roles in a conflict: competitor, accommodator, avoider, compromiser, or collaborator.
The Styles of Conflict Engagement
I admitted to Ms Notini that I place myself in the “avoider” camp, and Ms Notini assured me that the avoider role was common. Most of us associate conflict with endangering our relationships, Ms Notini explained, and that’s the main reason why many people avoid conflict. This made sense to me — on an instinctual level, I know that the health of my close relationships increases my chances of survival. But avoidance compounds conflict, Ms Notini continued, which means that my instinctual behavior is self-defeating. In addition, due to my avoidant approach, I often harbor resentments, and others may label me as either uncaring or compliant.
In contrast, those in the competitor role see conflict as a contest they want to win, and may even see conflict as fun. Compromisers are also unafraid of conflict, and prefer that each party gives something up and meets in the middle. An accommodator dislikes conflict, but isn’t motivated by fear. Instead, accommodators prioritize maintaining the status quo, and tend to be “people-pleasers”. The collaborator, Ms Notini said, was the ideal role to which she often tried to shift the thinking of the competitor, compromiser, accommodator, or avoider.
“Each style can be effective in different settings,” Ms Notini said, “but the collaborator is the most effective — someone who tries to get the other parties’ needs met as well as their own.”
The cause of a conflict often involves one of a few common scenarios: two parties want the same item which cannot be divided, lack effective communication, have different values, or intend to struggle for power or status. Of course, Ms Notini said, value-driven conflicts are more difficult to resolve than conflicts fueled by poor communication. But a skilled mediator can help any conflict, no matter the cause.
The Abilities Best Suited for Conflict Resolution
There are two abilities that Ms Notini considers to be the most important for resolving conflicts. First: the ability to be a good listener. This may sound simple, but Ms Notini stated that a skilled mediator listens not to form a response to what’s being said, but to understand the speaker. “It’s the cheapest way I know,” Ms Notini said, “to build respect and rapport. It costs you nothing to give someone your time and attention.”
The second ability is discernment, or the ability to distinguish between the “positions” and “interests” involved in a conflict. A “position” within a conflict is the surface-level demand or strategy. In contrast, the “interest” is the driving force behind the position — the need behind the demand. For example, “Let’s say that you are a business owner and your employee asks you for a big raise,” Ms Notini suggested. “On a demand level, that is an inflexible position, since every dollar more for your employee is a dollar less for you. But, if you discover that the demand for the raise stems from an unfulfilled need for your employee to feel appreciated, that insight provides you with more than one way to resolve the conflict.”
What’s more, the ability to discern between the impact of behavior which one party perceives as the cause of a conflict, and the intentions and character of the other party, is also crucial. In Ms Notini’s view, those in conflict often make assumptions, exaggerate the problem’s impact, and lack a balanced perspective. Also, Ms Notini observed that the two parties in conflict often overlook the fact that, aside from the issue at hand, their relationship was – or still is – good.
How to Dive into Difficult Conversations
I asked Ms Notini what she would advise for someone who wanted to speak up about an issue they felt was important, but that they worried would ruin an important relationship. For example, if a co-worker often engaged in behavior that was offensive to me in some way, how should I approach them about it? Ms Notini said that on the topic of difficult conversations (also the title to one of her favorite books on conflict), she advised her students to exhaust other avenues first, starting with self-discovery. Why is the behavior offensive to you? Is there another way of mitigating or avoiding the behavior? If there was no other way, then Ms Notini advised a technique much like the “sandwich” method of asserting a criticism.
In the sandwich method, you layer a criticism between two positive comments. In the scenario of a co-worker whose behavior offended me, I would say, “Listen, I value your work experience and I’m often inspired by your perspective. When you [insert issue here] however, it makes me feel [disrespected/upset/anxious/distracted], and I’d like that to change. We’re both hard-working and clear-headed. I value our working relationship. Let’s resolve this so that we both feel comfortable now, and increase our two-way communication in the future.”
In starting a difficult conversation, be as neutral and specific as possible, Ms Notini advised. Emphasize that you want to learn from the situation, with the goal of benefiting the overall relationship. However, despite your best efforts, “There’s no guarantee that the conversation is going to go well,” Ms Notini said, “because you only control you. You don’t control them.”
Why Conflict Equals Change, Not Opportunity
Ms Notini went on to mention the Chinese symbol for “crisis,” and how its construction encourages a healthy perspective on conflict. I found that the true meaning of the Chinese symbol for “crisis” supports this premise. The Chinese symbol for “crisis” (wēijī) means danger, and is not combined with “opportunity” (as many believe), but with an “incipient moment” or “crucial point” from which change is likely to occur.
“When we avoid a conflict,” Ms Notini said of my usual approach, “we often do so because we perceive the conflict as dangerous.” Or, as a crisis. “But when we redefine the conflict as a reasonable dialogue between two people with different and shared interests, we can then work our way through to a productive outcome and change or resolve a bad situation.” When Ms Notini said this, I realized that I valued the chance to change a bad situation over my preference for avoidance, and with that in mind, the benefits of being better at engaging in conflict felt all the more attainable.
“Most people can learn these skills,” Ms Notini said. “That being said, I myself have fallen victim to letting my emotions override my negotiation skills. So, give yourself a break. Work hard, step back, and breathe. Watch out for your assumptions. Identify what your underlying needs are. Do the internal work first, if you want to be able to do the external work.” In other words, the change that you and I want to see on an external level regarding how we deal with conflict, begins with diligence and self-compassion, and a teacher like Jessica Notini.
Ms Notini intends to continue mediating and teaching, and hopes to branch out into gender issues and the empowerment of women. “Women don’t give themselves enough credit,” regarding negotiation and leadership, Ms Notini said. “We can be more effective than we know. And, there are skills that women can build that will increase their confidence and success.”
You can reach Ms Notini through her website: jessicanotini.com.